(i know this sounds like i'm trying to hard but it's true inevitably..) I feel like such a bad person over here, feeling up the california weather like a daily loaf of bread while thousands of people are suffering in Haiti.
I have been worried about Lexi still even though
She updated facebook eventually, and is O.K.
But until I see her face, and back here safely all in one piece, this terrible feeling wont go away. (Of course I wouldn't even let it.)
For her to be there when she was, and how these two events collided, it's not just coincidental in my opinion; she was meant to be there.
This week has been stressful just because of that.. and all this other trivial crap happened, trivial compared anyway.
I got into a car accident. I wasn't at fault though, thankfully my car and myself as well as the woman who hit me are unharmed. Her new 2010 car is wrecked though, and I just rec'd minimal damage on my toyota. The insurance company told me I wasn't at fault, but if I elaborated it was just kind of a wild thing, and is very difficult to explain.
I hope I see Lexi soon I'm sort of intimidated by her experience right now, and really wish I could be there in Haiti with her.
May Haiti have a peaceful recovery And that my wonderful friend and her family return home safely!
- (no subject)
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discsintheair- January 14th, 14:46
drained
- (no subject)
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- discsintheair
- January 13th, 13:29
- lonely
couldn't sleep
i'm dissolving inside
worry worry worry worry worrying worrying
i didn't even understand the meaning of the word until now.
- Entry 24
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- discsintheair
- January 7th, 17:21
anxious
oh well : ( i guess it's back to cafes, reading, work, now college, and wishing I could fucking jump into a black hole to nowhere lands.
- Entry 23
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- discsintheair
- January 2nd, 2:50
hopeful
I wish I could sleep, it makes my skin look so much better when i get sleep.
I can't stand these fever sores, they wont go away :(
I think it'll take 2 weeks.
- Entry 22
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- discsintheair
- December 24th, 2009
- bored
Goodness mono is awful; I think it is finally going away.
I have had two surprise relapses since september and i'm just so worn out, I don't think I could survive another!
I woke up today with my roomates tending to their television routines and was kind of aggravated. I got dressed as quickly as I could and drove myself to Peets Coffee; paid for my caramel latte, and then came to notice that someone was in my usual spot. :grouch: I always sit there. I'm not really the territorial type, but this was a bit unexpected, because I specifically chose a spot near the door thinking no one would enjoy the blast of air to the face everytime a customer walks in. I tollerated a spot in the far corner, which was just as comfortable as all the other chairs! Funny.
So I got to the novel i'm reading, An Abundance Of Katherines by John Green and read a chapter before I drove to work. The whole experience is usually to calm my mood not that it is always necessary but I like the atmosphere and I guess I have developed somewhat of a routine with Peets Coffee since nanowrimo. Hahahah.
Work today wasn't too bad, it actually passed by quickly which is always convenient.
After work I picked my car up at the shop because I had a tire flatten on me for the second time in the past month! I recently got this car and was told the tires were new, but i'm becoming doubtful of that, so I think I may just pay for the upper two as well to be replaced.
I really don't like holidays, but I am always happy to purchase things for people. Oddly, I really feel awkward about recieving gifts, and not because i'm entirely picky to what people buy me, but I just feel like such an inconvenience! Which is ridiculous, but I always have. :thumbsup:
Affording gifts this year was just as challenging as last year, but I managed to get something for my sister that she had been looking at, at the mall the day previously, and I got my mom some sweets.
- Entry 21
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- discsintheair
- December 20th, 2009
- calm
*AVATAR*
It was more then I expected it to be. The CG was incredible, and the plot was moving. I really really liked it. I was enthralled in the movie from start to finish. The 3D was well done, it wasn't obnoxiously in your face, but just enough to create a truly personal effect. And the 3d glasses weren't so uncomfortable. I went with my best friend Lexi and her (boy)friend Greg. Here's a picture of Lexi and I fashioning our 3D glasses taken with my curve before the film.
I enjoyed it mostly because it reminded me of a few mmorpg's i'd like to actually live inside. (lmao) I loved the writing, and the ending was very satisfying! I don't think it had to top titanic, but in my opinion it definitely did just that, but obviously within an entirely different category.
I think my favourite bits were the intricasies in everything, especially character design. The monsters in that movie were interesting just in design, and to see them move around and such was such a cool thing. It was a movie experience that was completely new to me, there's nothing like that film at all. I have to say, i'm pretty excited by this string of 3d films coming out. It's the future! : /
I feel like alot of people my age are complaining, and the younger generation are sitting their fascinated. It makes me feel so old. No one likes change, I guess, but I am gaining a perspective from the elderly who complain all the time about technology, and the media. I'm sure it's mostly just because that's not the world they grew up in. It's much easier to accept things when you are a child then when you get older. Accept and adjust, i mean. Anyway.
Anyway.
I'm kind of looking forward to school. Which isn't odd, i've always loved the idea of school more so then actually being in it. : )
- Entry 20
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- discsintheair
- December 19th, 2009
- exhausted
I saw this man get out of his car today.
He first skidded to a halt like a fucking psycho he launched himself from the vehicle, went over to another vehicle, and out popped this younger kid from the drivers seat, and the older guy just starts pushing him and punching him. It was so sad. People stopped the fight eventually. When I say older guy I don't mean that old, maybe his mid 30's or whatever, and the younger kid must have been in his early 20's. I was too far away.
But God; It just makes me hate everything to see things like that. It ruins my day. My chest peels open when I see this kind of thing.
I bet that the cause of that commotion would not actually justify hurting someone, i'm sure there was an alternative.
Just seeing that kids glasses knocked off his face, and the way he drove away afterward made me feel so awful. What I saw was a man losing his temper over the alternative of being a reasonable human being.
whatever, tis' the fucking season, to be an ass hole.
I feel bad for the older guy, anger management problems can be very challenging to cure. Of course i don't know the whole story, but it came from a traffic incident. That knowledge was available, and anything involved in a traffic spat ending in a social outburst is just ridiculous.
I want to burry everything. I feel so broken, thank you. THANK YOU.
I feel like i'm living in a box. I really hate television, seriously I hate it. I understand why it's so addicting, and thankfully I don't watch it often. You have to train yourself not to! I honestly think a television set is a terrible device that should be stopped. I have no idea why anyone would find television appealing if you really think about what television is. I compare television to living in any sort of organized way. I wish I could just drop everything and head down some road to some-where land.
Television is filled with programs of shows that have been put together by people who have strategically planned for it to suck 30 mn + out of your bored time. I don't like the idea of experiencing something that thousands to millions of others are experiencing or have already experienced. Especially when it is an experience that doesn't even matter.
i waaaant tooooooooo killlllll
no what annoys me even more?? i spend so much time complaining about things I hate rather then doing things I enjoy.
I just feel things I enjoy are out of reach. Or are impossible, or are too much of a risk to take. It's the human in me that keeps me from doing things I enjoy. : ( Or what I want to enjoy.
Maybe I just need sleep. I think sleeping is a waste of time. Along with opening my eyes.
I'm so obsessed about my age. I wish I could have stopped growing at like 14. Or 16. Or even right now, I'd take that.
O' body stop changing.
Why is everything dying? :( Why do old people look so sad all the time? so tired all the time? so dead all the time?
I know the answer to those questions. I just don't appreciate them.
I hate the fact that life goes on with out you, and I hate the stage in life where you hate this fact. I'm so mature yet so immature.
- entry 19
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- discsintheair
- December 12th, 2009
i wish i would just stop thinking about it and move on, but the other person wont let me and it's really difficult to not let that person happen. "That" person. I talk as if I had nothing todo with it, but maybe I didn't.
I wish girls liked me more. I feel like they show interest, but when I show interest is when it goes down hill. I'm not being inconsiderate. I'm intuitive, which means I think I know everything about people.
Whether or not I am correct isn't as important as what I deep down am feeling. Because that deep down feeling, as long as it isn't a routine feeling, is there. And that matters to.
Maybe it's because ive always been friends with girls. They don't intimidate me, I can be comfortable talking to them. Men intimidate me... Girls just see me as a friend I think. I think that's all I can be. That's O.K-- I'm not on a planned road to girl friends.
It's a lonely life. I'm not giving up, i'm not x ing out alternatives in my life just because of what I have concluded. I obviously understand things, people, and everything changes. I just don't know.. It's hard I guess, being alone.
Or maybe it isn't that hard. Not being alone, that isn't hard. It's knowing what i've been, and what I am that is hard.
I wish I could tell the truth.
Because knowing what i've been, and what I am, and enjoying all that because I am on the planned road to self-acceptance, means I also accept being alone, unless something rare happens.
Sometimes I watch all the old couples and wonder if they settled for less.
Maybe not just with who they've married or whatever-- but in life, settled for less to be truly happy.
I think we all have to eventually settle for less. I think the majority doesn't even know they're settling for less, that's healthy and normal. Ignorant acceptance is less fake, and the struggle is less difficult i'd assume.
- (no subject)
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- discsintheair
- December 9th, 2009
- scared
Gawd, swollowing that shit was fucking rancid.
It's not like anything has hit me. No magical light bulbs, I just feel like typing right now.
I just feel so scared right now, and since no one can know, I feel so powerless.
I hate where I am right now,(lmao) I want to be somewhere no one can look at me in the face.(lmfao :( )
God. I wish I didn't get myself involved in that lifestyle, or that other person..anyway, I can't help it now, because what is done, is done. And will fucking continue I suppose.
I feel like i'm ruined now. As if no one is ever going to want to touch me again, even when they go away.
On another topic
It's so difficult living as a person who hates their gender. No one can really comprehend it, and that's understandable. But it's not something that EVER goes away. Everything about a day is uncomfortable. And I just hate myself all the time. I always blame things like my environment, people or whatever it is for a moment to put a blind fold over one fact: all I want to escape is my body.
- Entry 17
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- discsintheair
- November 30th, 2009
- anxious
and i dont know.
- Entry 16
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- discsintheair
- November 27th, 2009
- bored
Finally i'm fucking alone again
I'm still bored with everything. I feel waves of good sometimes, but they're always temporary. I've been stuck for such a long time in this rut.
I don't want to get out of it by learning how to cope with my surroundings, or deal with them, or tollerate them, or just by ignoring everything. I've done that for too long now and sometimes I think about everything that i'm doing and how insignificant it is to me and just want to EXPLODE.
- Entry 15
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- discsintheair
- November 25th, 2009
- discontent
i am sitting down. Haven't left ofcourse.
Where would I go and how would I feel when I got there?
It would be reckless...
But will I regret not leaving?
Will I regret doing what everyone else did? You know?
I think I will. But I will be regretting the unknown. That's what kind of makes this whole thing even more ridiculous. It's not something I should be whining about on live journal, it's something I either do or don't do.
- Entry 14
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- discsintheair
- November 17th, 2009
- cold
i just want to leave.
- Entry 13
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- discsintheair
- November 6th, 2009
I am currently seated in Borders at The District in Tustin. I came here for a nanowrimo write in that is actually going pretty succesfully! I have reached 11,160 words so far in my novel, reached my daily goal, so I am pretty elated about all this. I am actually proud of where my story is going so far. Well, I am in general shocked I haven't given up or anything. It's funny, because along time ago before my freshman year of highschool I made it an ambition to write a novel while I was in highschool.. Which I was never able todo. And now finding myself in this contest, it has suddenly became so apparent to me that I was just lazy. It's kind of sad, (and funny?) because I had many novel attempts that just didn't happen because I lost myself so much. Not funny as in hahahahah, but funny as in something that smells funny.
I have to go.
SEE HOW ELATED I LOOK?
lmao.. I dont know if it's just me, but I do find it kind of odd when people smile in pictures. I get that it is routine or whatever, but why is it that people have to become suddenly unnaturally happy that there is a camera infront of them? Anyway, i'm going to go walk around. As you can tell--i'm hyper exhausted from this Seattles Best in my cold clasp.
- (no subject)
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- discsintheair
- October 31st, 2009
I am currently seated on the balcony of a place i'm staying at in Georgia. It's fucking beautiful, like every place in the world. I'm just surprised I found a wifi network available for me. ^^'
Let me try and upload a photo.
Shit here just feels so natural. I love the openness of this area as well, if you got out into the town or drive around there's these marshes and swamps all around you. It's kind of awesome knowing that there's aligators in them.
My dad offered me a place to live out here if I decided so. It's not that I think where I am is better then I was, or worse but it being something new is what I enjoy. The only issue with moving here is I would be lonely. But being dependent on certain people isn't healthy anyway. Who knowes? I might make friends if I get involved with the schooling quick enough. Plus, I would get to see my dad more, which was my plan along time ago.
Knowing I took a whatever fuckin 6 hour flight to get here is awesome. I actually feel faraway from the edge i'm always on.
Anyway
i'm going to go watch Midnight Express and then work on my nano wrimo novel. Which by the way I start writing TOMORROW :D
- Entry 11
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- discsintheair
- October 29th, 2009
I wish I could log into my brain-- go into my memories
and as if they were files, delete them all.
- Entry 10
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- discsintheair
- October 26th, 2009
- lonely
Everything seems like such a hassle in life. And when we finally get to the good parts, they really aren't all that amazing. I feel like I have not met ANYONE significant yet. Isn't that sad? I haven't met a single person, in these 19 years, that I know I want to spend the remainder of my life wondering about. An exception to prison inmates that I don't even know, but that fits in the category of fictional people and imaginary friends.
But don't get me wrong..I'm not puting everyone I come in contact with on some sort of scale. I just never feel like i've had a genuine relationship with someone. It's not you, it's me. sort of thing.
I want to laugh without faking the first laugh, and continuing because of how much of a joke my whole life is.I wish I had that best friend that I could see on a daily basis, and we could just enjoy our own company without becoming eventually spiritless. I'm sick of all the technology, yet I involve myself in it, because fuck, there's nothing left, the alternatives are empty. It's like going into a chatroom by yourself. I think life is about making good memories, and fucking hell, I am not satisfied with any of mine. I don't blame life..I kind of blame myself, but at the same time I understand the position I was in. Ughhh..I just feel like it's california, or some shit. I don't know..I wish I grew up someplace obscure, where people have eachother.
Ugh..pondering the past, maybe it was my fault. I had alot of the connections I long for now over the internet..I wish I hadn't been so insecure. I was just so angry, depressed, and felt like everyone around me was fucking retarded..But God..THEY WERE.
Maybe it doesn't exist
maybe i have read too many books, saw too many movies where it does exist. Hmmm..Maybe I spend too much time contemplating, I miss parts of life that could actually feel shameless.
- Entry 9
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- discsintheair
- October 24th, 2009
I think I have come up with a stable plot for my nanowrimo novel. I really hope I can write it. Thankfully i'll have tons of airport time to do alot more brainstorming. I may miss a day of writing though because of the wedding, hahah..Obviously nanowrimo comes second in that circumstance though! I am pretty excited about the novel, I just have alot of work ahead. I came up with a basic plot for the beginning as well as the theme of the story, but I still have not come up with certain details for the "adventure" part of the story.
Also a difficult problem that's apparent is how much I exactly have to write. My story is pretty intricate, and i'm basically having to explain allot before I get to the actual bit where i'm following my main character around. This can either be useful seeing as I have 50,000 words to write, or it could be an insane downfall that causes me to have seizures.
- Entry 8
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- discsintheair
- October 23rd, 2009
embarrassed
Watching the window that turns off and on.
I wish I could
be honest with someone, I just feel taken aback lately.
And as if I don't fit in.
I get it though which I always seem to, yet it doesn't usually make a difference.
Getting ready.
- Entry 7
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- discsintheair
- October 22nd, 2009
irritated
I woke up very miserably this morning to both my roommates snoring..Or heavily breathing, which would be less annoying if I didn't fall asleep to the tv on.
I'll be okay, i'm doing a bit better now, it's about 10 AM and I goto work at 2:30
Tom was watching Regis and Kelly which happens to put me in a really good mood actually, so it cleared up my bitter mood from having to wake up at like 7:30. I just couldn't go back to sleep and I didn't have the energy to grab my ear plugs from the closet. So eventually I just took myself to the sofa in the middle room to watch Jump Start, on low volume (because i'm fucking generous)
I do enjoy being up early though, but at times I like to sleep in. I feel healthier when I wake up early, i dont know, is that only me? hahah. I just understand allot of people need to sleep in.
Anyway, Tom's planning to have me watch Glee at 11 (he records them) and I think i'll get on the buss at 12 so I can get to work early.. I think i'll still work on my nanowrimo novel, (brainstormage), which seems hopeless at this point. But I want todo it for me, it's a challenge, even if my novel is shit I just want to try.
